goodbye to a friend

This morning I found out that Bob is gone. Bob is the friend I wrote about here. And that's a photo of him, taken by his wife Judy. His body was discovered, some time this past weekend, in the woods where he disappeared in August. It is apparent to authorities that he took his own life, probably on the same day that he disappeared.

In the three months since Bob vanished, I've discovered more information about some of the circumstances surrounding his disappearance. I found out about some major obstacles he was facing in some of his most important relationships. There were a lot of personal issues troubling Bob that I knew nothing about. But the thought of Bob killing himself is profoundly upsetting. I feel like I want to go back to the park where he disappeared, to sit down with him and just talk things out for a while. What I'd really like to do is talk him out of it.

I'm not really sad yet. Mostly I'm just mad. This feels like a profound loss of talent and heart for the world. Plus a damn fine dance partner for me.

It is so painful to know that some part of Bob really thought that ending his own life would be a good idea. Nothing could be further from the truth.

There was some small part of me that hoped that Bob was still alive. That he had just decided to go somewhere quiet to collect himself for a while.

A few weeks ago I even found myself hoping (irrationally) that Bob was alive, that he was Googling himself somewhere in a public library in the middle of nowhere, and coming across the journal entry I wrote about him back in August. Just so he would know that I was thinking about him, that I missed him. That sounds silly now.

Bob, I hope you are happier where you are now. I miss you.

prayers for a friend

My friend Bob has been missing for three weeks. He disappeared some time on August 1 in Washington County, Kansas. Authorities are starting to conclude that he drowned while exploring a river on the campground where he was staying. Though his body has not been found, the situation is not looking hopeful.

Bob was one of the people that really encouraged me when I was getting started with my photography. When I told him last year I was thinking about upgrading to a newer, faster camera, he encouraged me to shell out the cash for a Canon 5D, which is a really powerful professional digital Canon camera. "The caliber of your work easily justifies this level of gear," he wrote me in an email. "If you want to hold up liquor stores to get the money, let me know. I'll drive the getaway car." I didn't end up getting the 5D, but the thought of robbing liquor stores at gunpoint with Bob made me laugh.

Bob had a 5D himself, and he also had the technical skills to stretch the camera to its full capacity. He was known around my community for his ability to capture dancers twirling and smiling, finding moments of pure joy and connection on the dance floor. I still don't know how he did this while keeping faces in focus and the shots properly exposed.

He was one of my favorite dance partners, too. That's how I first got to know him. He was an extraordinary partner, tall and strong. I knew if I was dancing with Bob that I could cut loose a little bit and he'd always be there to catch me on the other side.

Some of my favorite images from Bob:
Mentone fire dance
The bass player
Me dancing in 2005 with my friend Bruce

I hate the thought that I might never get to see Bob again.