June 2, 2002.
A Good Enough Reason

I have a question for you. It is a real question and not a theoretical one. What is the right reason to bring a child into the world? How do you know when it is a good enough time for you to have a kid? (Seriously. E-mail me your thoughts. I want to know.)

The pressure to procreate is building steadily. I had to finally ask my mother to stop asking me about it. Mom, when we begin to consider it, you'll be the first to know. I promise. This unconceived child is craved terribly by my family.

But the thing is, Tom and I really have no desire to have a kid. We're having a great time now, orbiting in our little universe of two. Our third anniversary is this month; in the grand scheme of things I guess we're still newlyweds.

When you're an eligible young woman and you're seeing a top-notch young man, your mother and her friends take every opportunity they get (and even some they don't get) to inquire, gently, or not-so-gently, if you think this young man is The One. They want to know when you're going to get married. It hardly matters if you're not ready for marriage — they are.

After you and the young man finally get married, then the next round of interrogation comes. When can we expect that first Little One to arrive?

(I'm not certain, but I think an appropriate response may be: "I'm sorry — what was your name again? I just wanted to make sure I remove you from our Christmas card list.")

Tom and I both think adoption is a good idea, but then I always get hung up on how bloody expensive it is. And really, right now I just don't care enough about having a kid to go pay for one.

My beloved, 79-year-old grandmother, my last living grandparent, is moving from California to Georgia this summer. She just gave us the news on Friday and we are thrilled. But there in the back of my mind, I can feel it, like a hot little rash burning my skin. She'll want to know when she can expect her next great-grandchild.

As much as I love my family, I don't think that making them happy is a good enough reason to have a kid.

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My parents went to Kentucky for Memorial Day last weekend. It's a tradition, you know, the annual trip up to bluegrass country to see all of my dad's old kinfolk.

They stayed with some of Dad's old friends from his high school days. These are people who adore my parents. Especially my father. Over the weekend, my father's friends told him of their intention to buy him a piece of land in Kentucky. And give it to him. Like that. They drove him out to see it. Here you go, sir, here's a beautiful piece of farmland you can retire on. Free.

The way my father responded was both heart-warming and a little terrifying. Without turning down their offer, he told them, quite simply, that when he got around to retiring, he just wanted to be close to his grandchildren.

That's really sweet. But my father has no grandchildren. Two of his three children are married. But they are young marriages. There are no buns in the oven. Especially for this child.

It just gets frustrating, coming up against this obligation over and over again. It's not quite like the marriage question, because I did always intend to get married at some point in life. That's not really the case with having a kid.

I don't know. I'm sure that the maternal instinct would kick in full-force if I one day found myself pregnant. But I'm not, and I don't intend to be, anytime soon.