February 5, 2003
10 Rules for Working Out at the East Lake Family YMCA

The gym has been full lately. Lots of new people, you know, trying to get in shape in the new year. Perhaps now is a good time for a little refresher course on gym etiquitte....

RULE 10
Avoid indulging in excessive physical showmanship during the lifting of free weights. Desist from grunting, gnashing of teeth, and triumphant throwing down of the dumbbells on the gym floor with a dramatic flourish after you complete your set. Contrary to popular belief, such overwrought behavior does not lead to feelings of concupiscence from the fairer sex.

RULE 9
There will be no lounging about in the ladies' locker room without appropriate covering. A bath-sheet sized towel is an appropriate covering. A paper towel is not.

RULE 8
To the eccentric lady on the treadmill: Lumberjack boots, flannel-lined jeans, and a sweatshirt do not constitute appropriate fitness center attire. Also, your freak-out getup is making me nervous.

RULE 7
Do not stand too close to me at any time.

RULE 6
The women's locker room includes only two kinds of personal grooming areas: One for ladies who use heated hairstyling appliances, and one for ladies who do not. Since the ladies' locker room was designed with a curmudgeonly six electrical outlets, kindly yield use of the outlet area for those with hair dryers and other styling tools. Under no circumstance shall you use this space for the application of makeup or the simple combing of the hair. If you do, you may find yourself facing The Wrath of The Curling Iron.

RULE 5
Brush your teeth quickly and modestly. No one, not even Godzilla, needs to expectorate into the sink 45 times after brushing.

RULE 4
Some of your fellow YMCA members use a great variety of personal care products in their morning rituals. It is impolite to ask to borrow such personal care products, even if the list includes the following:

		- Clinique™ Seven-Day Scrub Cream - Ohm™ by Olay® Jasmine & Rose Body Wash - Neutrogena® Deep Clean™ Gentle Scrub - Healthy Hair™ Soymilk shampoo - Healthy Hair™ Soymilk conditioner - Bumble & Bumble™ Styling Lotion - Redken™ #10 "Guts" Styling Lotion - Olay™ Complete UV Moisture Cream - Modern Organic Products® Molding Cream with Organic Orange and Marshmallow

It is, however, fully appropriate to quietly admire the vast variety and richness of said personal care products.

RULE 3
Any beautiful black woman who comes into the ladies' locker room while singing along in a startlingly delightful voice with the song on her headphones may be asked to sing a little louder, because damn, I just can't believe how good your voice is.

RULE 2
Under absolutely no circumstances shall you spread a bath towel on the floor of the locker room after your daily ablutions, and proceed to launch into a lavish, lengthy grooming ritual involving the application of various lotions, creams, emollients, and other scented unguents to your exposed body. This kind of behavior is inappropriate under any circumstances. No one, not even God, wishes to look upon your unclothed flesh for that long.

RULE 1
Under absolutely no circumstances shall you perform the grooming ritual described in Rule 2 right in front of my locker.